Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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