1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
