So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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