Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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