dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
