I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
