I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
