stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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