Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
