Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
