I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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