I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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