im drinking this country out of the recession.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
