I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
