I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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