Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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