i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
