My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
