maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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