so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
