I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
