Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
