I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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