When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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