Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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