If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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