So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
