I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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