Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
