speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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