And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
