my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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