he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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