Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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