Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
