We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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