the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
