Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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