Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
