Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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