the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
