remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
