I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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