I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
