Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable