4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed