I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
