I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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