I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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