just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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