dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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