apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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