I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
