Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
