I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
