Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
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my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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