no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
