sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
